Dick Wolfsie
I was wrapping up my visit to my local car dealership, but I was having a great deal of trouble deciding. There were so many choices available. What to do?
“I need help making a final decision,” I told the general manager. “This is much harder than it used to be. Any suggestions?”
He rattled off a list of his recommended models.
“Wait, I’m not buying a new car. I’m waiting for an oil change. I’m talking about your new coffee machine. I’ve never seen anything so complicated in my entire life.”
Years ago, while waiting for a $19.95 oil change, I could treat myself to a newly-brewed hot cup of coffee that I poured out of a Pyrex coffee pot. There were no options, no add-ons, no goofy ingredients. If I wanted cream and sugar, there it was. How much I wanted of each was my choice. Life was sweet, like how I wanted my coffee to be.
This new machine baffled me. Despite its relatively small size, it provided a sultan’s harem of choices. But first, it offered a few introductory remarks rolling across the high-tech screen:
“Whoever tastes this coffee will be happy every time and everywhere.”
I doubt that would be true for someone who came in for an oil change and then was told they needed a new six-thousand-dollar transmission. A good cup of java can do just so much to cheer you up.
Here is another of their screen testimonials:
“Perfecting who we are is a never-ending story.”
But I do want the story to end because now I have too many choices, 32 to be exact. Here are some of the options they offer…
Espresso long: But there was no Espresso short or medium offered. This is what happens to me when I buy pants.
Mochaccinos: According to Google, some coffee lovers claim that mochaccinos are the same as mochas, but we strongly disagree. Avoid this controversy at your next dinner party. It’s safer to debate Biden versus Trump.
Flat White: I hesitated to try something I had just used to paint my living room.
Dirty Chai: I would never call anyone that, not even coffee.
There was also Filthy Chai, which seems even more rude.
Premium Instant: Isn’t all coffee pretty instant at a machine? That’s why I’m not waiting in line at Starbucks.
Another option was hot water. Like every other selection, it was complimentary. So, the hot water at this dealership is four bucks cheaper than plain hot water at Starbucks.
There were also nitros, listos, lattes, and cappuccinos, but I could not find coffee. Regular, plain, boring coffee. It was still early morning and I was getting a bit drowsy so I probably missed seeing it. I simply pressed something called Cortado, having no idea what it was. When the brew cooled a bit, I chugged it and headed home. But halfway there, I started to get sleepy and had to pull over.
I need to find another auto dealership. One offering coffee that gets better mileage.
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes columns for The Daily Reporter. Send comments to [email protected].
