Note to readers: This week’s column takes a break from the ongoing saga of Hoosier townships, to bring you urgent news your local media might not cover.
Each December I visit with Elvin Elfenhausen, one of Santa’s reliable helpers. He has a worried look as we meet, masked and at socially appropriate distance, in a recently denuded state forest area.
“What gives?” I ask, sitting on one of the many tree stumps and bundled against the chill.
“Oh, it’s probably no more than COVID fatigue,” he says. “But I’m just ill-at-ease. The Big Guy isn’t worried. He just laughs it off, but I’m concerned.”
I don’t ask, “What’s wrong?” Instead, I bristle because the subject of the statement is not included within that statement. So I wait, restraining my linguistic displeasure.
Eventually, Elvin says, “It came as a Tweet-from-the-Twit: Santa, his reindeer and sled are not to enter U.S. airspace on December 24. This pandemic year already caused massive turmoil in the Workshop. Now this?
“How can we deliver what we make for kids who have everything and for those who have nothing?”
“Isn’t that a problem you have every year?” I ask.
“Sure,” he agrees. “But this year is worse because kids are not being allowed to be kids. Adults, although limited, are still doing lots of adult things. But kids are much more constrained.
“In this country,” Elvin continued, “parents who are financially OK, spend money on everything they imagine will occupy their kids for more than 30 minutes. They and others also are saving for luxury travel sometime after Dr. Fauci waves the checkered flag.”
“What’s this got to do with the tweet announcing Santa’s exclusion from U.S. airspace?” I asked.
“There’s more,” Elvin explains. “An hour later, we get a fax with an official letterhead, co-signed by the heads of Homeland Security and the Space Force. They threaten in-flight interdiction because Santa and the Workshop helpers are suspected of giving aid and comfort to unfriendly nations and terrorist groups.”
“Outrageous,” is all I can say.
“We’re accused of out-sourcing toys and/or components to China, Iran, and Venezuelan guerillas,” he says. “Our attorneys at Gut, Swine and Chizzle can easily refute those charges.”
“That’s comforting,” I say.
“Yeah,” Elvin answers, “but Mrs. Santa doesn’t want him to go. She says he’s too old and has undiagnosed underlying conditions.”
“What conditions?” I inquire.
“She suspects progressive dementia,” Elvin confides. “Santa fails to put travel lights on the sled. Can’t seem to recall he’s already had milk and cookies. Forgets to put his mask on when dismounting from the sled. And mixes up the names of the reindeer with those of the seven dwarfs.”
“Serious, but not incapacitating,” I say. “And, like all sensible people, Santa could ignore the Demander-in-Chief.”
Morton Marcus is an economist. Reach him at [email protected]. Follow his views and those of John Guy on “Who gets what?” wherever podcasts are available or at mortonjohn.libsyn.com. Send comments to [email protected].
