Hopefully not too far in the future, we may all be able to start visiting our favorite restaurants and enjoying dinner parties with close friends again.
This is making me nervous because I am so out of practice interacting with other humans outside of my family. Taking no chances, I rummaged through some old books in my basement and found Emily Post’s Etiquette, written and updated by the good-manners expert’s great-great grandchildren.
I went immediately to the chapters about proper demeanor in a restaurant. One rule is that when out for dinner, do not violently shake your napkin when you open it. That would certainly put a damper on my best magic trick at the table. I was off to a bad start.
How to eat a banana is something we have all struggled with, right?
“Always peel the banana halfway down and eat it bite by bite.” I’m on safe ground when the rules for humans are exactly the same as for orangutans. But at a restaurant, say Ms. Post’s young relatives, you should peel the whole fruit, cut it into pieces, and eat it with a fork. This is probably why ordering a banana from the dessert menu has never really caught on.
The more I thought about dining out, the more I realized that I would — at least initially — feel more comfortable practicing at someone’s house where the other couple had been sheltered for as long as we had been. Mary Ellen asked if I was sure I needed to test my table skills. I said I was positive, which is not the best choice of words during a pandemic.
On some of the social graces, Mary Ellen has a different point of view than the Post family. The authors say, for example, that even if your hostess has not begun to eat, once several people have been served at the table, it is OK to pick up your fork and begin. I tried that once, and then my wife picked up her fork … and stuck it in my thigh.
What if you visit some buddies out of town? The authors claim that the basic rules covering a week-long visit to a friend’s home have never changed.
“Easy or not, you must conform to the habits of your host family, have meals at their hours, eat what is put before you and go to bed according to their schedule.”
This is similar to the advice found in The Idiot’s Guide to Joining a Cult.
What if guests are visiting you?
If you are serving an unfamiliar dish, notes the writers, “It could prejudice them before they taste it.” I prefer to wait till they’ve taken a bite before casually mentioning that it’s not beef in the burgundy sauce but rather raccoon — the one I caught raiding the bird feeder.
What about dinner guests who linger and overstay their welcome?
Incredibly, the book suggests it is OK for the host to excuse herself and trot off to bed, leaving the guests to continue socializing.
Really?
This provides a good opportunity for inebriated guests to replace the missing flatware in their own kitchens.
Another option is pretending to stifle a yawn or saying something subtle to your spouse, like: “You know, it is time we went to bed, so these good people can get home.”
I prefer this one: “Would you mind dropping our kids off at school on your way home?”
Don’t use that last line until the schools are re-opened and back in session. That’s the polite thing to do.
