While opening boxes after our move to our new home, I found several stacks of old news articles, many sent by friends, plus some cut out by me and saved.
I am always looking for ideas for my TV segment and newspaper columns. I found one clipping that bears repeating, about how much time people spend kissing.
In this article, no experts are quoted. There is no scientific polling, no international study referenced. But the people from a well-known breath mint/gum company claim the average person spends 20,000 minutes in his or her lifetime kissing. Again, this is simply an average. Your smooching may vary, depending on whether you attend a lot of Greek weddings or have more than 15 grandchildren.
I’m not an overly competitive person, but I do believe in keeping up with Joneses, who, by the way, are our newlywed neighbors down the street. However, the Fettermans next door have been married 40 years, so these folks may represent a more realistic goal for me.
I assume I’ve been rolling along at an acceptable rate up until now, but I’m going to increase my output so my obit can read: “Exceeded the standard kissing time by 2,000 minutes.” Even my harshest critics would be forced to concede that when it came to lips, I was successful at putting two and two together.
When Mary Ellen came home the other night, I gave her the customary hello smooch, but I realized that if I lingered a few seconds longer in the osculation and then multiplied that time by my predicted life span, I could increase my total production by 20 percent. Osculation, in case you are wondering, is the scientific name for kissing. Don’t use that word during romantic encounters. It’ll have a negative impact on your lifetime total.
After 38 years of marriage, my wife became instantly aware that I had breached the unwritten rule for time spent on the customary “Hi, honey, I’m home” kiss.
“What was that all about?” she asked.
“Is something wrong?”
“Your kiss. There was a delay … you were lingering on my cheek. You do know it’s only Thursday, right?”
The question is, how did they ever come up with 20,000 minutes? I did a little math and it looks like if your kissing career spans 75 years, you need to kiss about 47.4 seconds a day to reach this goal. I’m a happily married guy, but there are a couple of days a week that to reach this number I would have to count my relationship with our adorable cat (we are just friends, I assure you).
I may spend 20,000 minutes kissing, but what about the other 40 million minutes in my life? It’s bad enough I’m newly obsessed with maintaining a respectable record in the puckering department, but apparently a slew of other situations exist when your breath should be pristine. Now, there’s something to chew on. Which is exactly what the gum company says: “Hey, don’t worry. We sell something to chew on.”
In order for my wife and me to someday reach the national average, I’m going to need her full cooperation. Last night I told Mary Ellen how beautiful she is and how great dinner was. But I still don’t think I have a chance of reaching that 20,000 mark. Apparently, kissing up doesn’t count.
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for the Daily Reporter. Send comments to [email protected].
