Terry Miller
The relationship between parents and children is very important. From a very young age, children are given their sense of value and importance by the way the adults in their lives interact with them. Even when infants, children are exposed to tones of voices, words, and interactions that become part of their unconscious framework. Groundwork is laid for the future.
As parents interact with their children, their actions are very important. Is patience shown? Is grace given? Are re-do second chances a possibility? Do they see us doing the same things we tell them to do? All of these are embedded in a child’s brain and continue on throughout their life. It becomes their expectation as to how others will treat them, as well as how they should treat others. If a child is exposed to positive actions, that is what they learn. If they are exposed to harsh role modeling, that is what they learn as the norm. Kids are always watching the adults in their lives, soaking up everything like sponges.
How children are talked and listened to is also important to consider. What kind of language is used in their presence? Are their ideas given consideration or are they put down as non-important? Are they supported?
As I was at the grocery store last weekend, a place I generally try to get in and out of as quickly as possible, I had the good fortune to listen to a father and son interact. The young boy, approximately 3 years old, was sitting in the shopping cart being pushed by his dad and was heard to say, “You made me frustrated” in his little voice. The dad asked him, “What did I do to make you frustrated?” and the little boy proceeded to say “I feel sad.” The father told the little boy that he wanted to better understand what happened… and the little one continued talking. The way this father responded to his son was right on target. He did not become defensive, he did not ignore, but he encouraged the conversation in a way that let the little boy know that it was okay to have the uncomfortable feelings he was having and that by using his words, he could share the problem and dad would listen.
After the grocery store, I stopped at the library and overheard a mother and daughter interacting. They were standing at the drop-off box and the little girl was heard to excitedly ask, “May I get another good book?” The mother told her “Yes, you may get another book, but first we have to return the ones that we have.” This mother had patience with her child in her response to the question, had her child helped with placing books in the drop box, and encouraged a lifelong love of reading.
I believe these two parents gave their children important messages, even if the children do not remember the conversation in the future. Both parents were supportive, gave encouragement, facilitated the normalcy of feelings, and their interactions said, “You are important to me and I will listen to you no matter what.”
As I reflected on these two situations, I thought about how much joy a person can gain if they take the time to listen. Even though neither of the described conversations was directed toward me, it brought me happiness to hear how these two parents were understanding and accepting of their child’s conversation.
Our kids are learning every day. Are your actions and words reinforcing the lessons you want to teach the children in your life?
Terry Miller, a licensed clinical social worker, is a school social worker at Weston Elementary School in Greenfield.
