While at home a lot, I’ve decided to spend more time with my teeth. I already devote a great deal of time to my hands, washing them constantly. I hope I can take a shower soon.
I read that when you scrub your hands, you should sing happy birthday to yourself twice, to know you have spent sufficient time cleansing. I guess Mary Ellen had never heard this tip, and she accused me of losing my mind because my next birthday is still 10 months away.
But back to my teeth. And not just my back teeth, but all of them. Over the years, I have bought a number of gadgets to improve my dental hygiene techniques, like a toothbrush that has a little light on it that tells me when I’ve spent the recommended two minutes. I’ve never paid much attention to lights, which is why I have four outstanding traffic tickets.
I bought one tool that was recommended by my last dentist, who heard about it at a dental conference where he apparently sat through boring lectures about flossing instead of going parasailing. He told me I needed this thingamajig because after Amelia, the hygienist, had dug away at my gums for 40 minutes, there was some bleeding. The doctor asked if bleeding had been a recurring problem, and I said yes—every six months when Amelia digs away at my gums for 40 minutes.
The device is a HydroFloss, and their tagline is: A New Generation of Oral Irrigators.
It sounds like my mouth requires not only a qualified dental professional, but a small team of agricultural workers. When I opened the box and pulled out the instruction manual, there were four subsections on the first page, all related to eliminating the possibility of electrocution. DANGERS, WARNINGS, CAUTIONS and SAFEGUARDS — not the kinds of words you want to see associated with a machine you are going to fill with water, plug into a wall outlet and then insert into your mouth.
In big, bold all-CAPS, it also says: DO NOT USE WHEN DROWSY. Isn’t that how we all feel at bedtime just before we brush and get in the sack?
Using the HydroFloss requires a deft touch, so the manufacturer recommends that you first practice in the mirror without the water stream.
“Dick, what on earth are you doing?”
“I’m practicing flossing my teeth, Mary Ellen. What does it look like I’m doing?”
“It looks like you’re practicing cleaning your teeth. That’s what’s weird.”
“The pamphlet says that if I don’t do a couple of practice dry runs (literally), I won’t develop the proper technique and water will spray all over.”
“Dick, to this day you still get toothpaste all over the sink, on the bathroom mirror and, unbelievably, on your slippers. So much for the value of practice.”
Once proficient, users can fill the machine with warm water and begin. The manual warns NOT to watch yourself in the mirror during actual use, because “this will confuse you and cause a mess.”
Since I comb my hair and shave while looking in the mirror, I couldn’t imagine how this would be a problem. But it was. Water ended up everywhere: the floor, the mirror, and all over the walls. I even got some in my mouth.
Now that I’ve learned how to use it, I can recommend the HydroFloss. I’d also suggest you buy the two-year extended warranty. And a good mop.
