“He’s lying,” said my wife.
“I think this guy is telling the truth,” she said the next night.
These kinds of insights are standard when we watch each episode of “Chicago P.D.” Mary Ellen offers her opinion on the guilt or innocence of every suspect Sgt. Hank Voight has arrested. What’s incredible is that Mary Ellen is right about 80 percent of the time and Voight is hovering around 50 percent. And he’s seen the script. Regardless, everyone gets beat up.
We are hooked on this show, binging it nightly, two or three episodes at a time starting with Season One. After becoming familiar with these characters, combined with past years of watching other crime dramas, I would like to make a few observations about police shows:
KNOCKING ON A CRIMINAL’S DOOR: When a cop knocks on a suspect’s door, he (or she) is always home. Don’t bad guys ever go to a movie or to the 7-11? Or out for an afternoon heist? Usually it’s the suspect’s old lady (the preferred gangster term for wife or girlfriend) who answers the door. She tells the cops he’s not there while he is sneaking out the back window. Let’s put a few officers in blue at those back windows. I know Cagney and Lacey are looking for work.
THE BARTENDER: Cops constantly show bartenders pictures of customers who might be guilty of a crime. The bartender shrugs and claims he doesn’t recognize the person, so Mr. Policeman threatens to submit a report to authorities that his beer glasses are dirty. All of a sudden, a brainstorm: “Yeah, she was in here last Tuesday wearing a yellow blouse and tight blue jean skirt with a man about 20 years older than her with gray hair who had on a three-piece suit and had a tattoo on his right wrist.” Never underestimate the power of the Board of Health.
PARTNERS: Every male cop on TV has a female partner who is beautiful. I mean really, really attractive. This wouldn’t seem to be the type of profession to attract such a stunning beauty. Why would a woman like that want to investigate a murder? Did you just say to yourself, “Because she’s drop-dead gorgeous?” Stop! You’re killing me!
SWAT TEAMS: When a SWAT team goes into some dangerous situation, everyone is wearing bullet-proof vests and crash helmets, and carrying a protective shield — except the stars of the show, who sport a nice sweater vest and cap that says FBI or NYPD. It might as well say: “I’m a celebrity: Don’t shoot me.”
VIDEO CAMERAS: Perps should know by now that video cameras are everywhere: hotel hallways, street corners, bathrooms, warehouse parking lots. And yet, you never see anyone wearing a mask while committing a crime. The Lone Ranger and Lady Gaga don’t count. Or people concerned about the virus.
HOTEL DOORS: Cops break into hotel rooms by simply ramming their shoulders into the door. Sorry, that can’t be done. Try it where you live. Oh, you’re holing up at Motel 6? Never mind.
Finally, when a murderer throws someone out a window, the victim always lands on a car hood—never on the street. In cities with alternate-side-of-the-street parking, you’re going hit the pavement half the time.
Oops, I gotta go. Someone is banging on the front door. I hope my old lady left the back window open.
