There’s an old adage: “You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all the people all of the time.” In fact, there will be those who, no matter what you do, will think negatively and never be satisfied. This has nothing to do with you.
Those of us in church leadership are keenly aware of this, since we are often leading hundreds or thousands of people. While we would love to see everyone happy with us all of the time, we know that is not realistic. Neither is it realistic that everyone will be happy with our support staff all of the time.
Yet I believe one of the major reasons for the high rate of clergy burn-out is that like most people, pastors want everyone to like them — all of the time — and tend to get sad, frustrated or even depressed when it doesn’t happen.
What other people think about you is none of your business. It’s their business. Wasting your time wondering what they think about you serves nothing. Seeking approval is a waste of your time and energy. It will only bring you suffering. It’s not about whether others approve of you but if you approve of you. This is what counts.
How people perceive you reveals more about them than it does about you. People will perceive you based on their own conditioning and filters. So don’t take it personally.
We sometimes hold back being fully ourselves or stepping out and living our purpose in a big way because of the fear of being judged and what people will think or say. To put yourself out there is a risk. It is a vulnerable and courageous act.
People will judge you. People will talk about you. People will project their stuff onto you. It is what it is. In fact, some people won’t like you, and they don’t even know you!
This is unavoidable. Make peace with this up front. Don’t give others the power to determine your happiness.
Jesus was a wonderful example of this. Even setting aside his divine nature, his human nature was one of putting himself out there and telling the truth, and not worrying about whether people liked him for it. More people didn’t like him than did, and yet I can’t recall any instance in Scripture that shows Jesus trying to win the approval of others. It was none of his business!
He was not in denial about how others perceived him. He told his disciples that people hated him so much they would eventually kill him (Mark 8:31). He also told his disciples that people were going to hate them and persecute them just because they hung out with him.
He even went so far as to tell them, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it to for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?”
“Gaining the whole world” seems to me a lot like being overly concerned about the approval of others. Even if you do get others’ approval, if it’s at the expense of yourself, it won’t be truly satisfying.
Trying to get people’s approval is a form of control. But in doing so, you are the one who ends up controlled.
If everyone likes you, you might want to be concerned. Be more focused on whether you like you. And remind yourself that God is crazy about you! Isn’t that all that really matters?
Larry Gember is pastor of St. James Lutheran Church in Greenfield. This weekly column is written by local clergy members.
