I’ve been kind of anxious lately, so my sister suggested I try meditation. She meditates and claims it makes her feel like another person. She has a small apartment in New York, so I hope there is enough room for everybody.
I think meditating has worked for Linda because, as I reported in a previous column, she once sent me a recipe I’d requested with directions like:
I Tbsp of chili sauce (DO NOT USE KETCHUP!)
I cup of whole milk (ABSOLUTELY NOT SKIM MILK)
She was a little on edge back then, but now when I ask for one of her famous recipes, I get things like:
1 tsp of butter (unless you prefer olive oil—just go with the flow)
2 oz of sour cream (yogurt would be more wholesome, but use whichever tastes better to you)
I wanted to learn how to meditate. I sent my wife a text while she was shopping to see if she was also interested in trying it. When Mary Ellen got home she was really upset. “We’ve never been happier. What brought this on?” My text said it was time for the two us to try mediation. Stupid spell check.
To begin my journey, I got a book called “How to Meditate: A Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Mind,” by Pema Chodron. By the way, if you do become buddies with your mind, I wouldn’t post it on Facebook. Even a close friend like that shouldn’t have access to all of your personal information.
Pema’s book begins with this quote: “Our life is an endless journey: Meditation allows us to experience all the textures of the roadway, which is what the journey is all about.”
Obviously, Pema has never driven in Indianapolis, because any journey here is all about avoiding potholes. You don’t hear a lot of people saying, “Man, how about that texture on Fall Creek Parkway!”
The author explains that meditation is what’s happening in the moment. “Your mind is going a hundred miles per hour, your body twitching, your head pounding, your heart full of fear…Sometimes it doesn’t get better for an hour.”
Really? I have a financial planning book that says in the intro that in 60 minutes you can learn to be a millionaire. That’s a better hook, don’tcha think?
In chapter two, Pema suggests using a gomden for your sessions. I looked it up and it’s a square seat that lifts you up so your knees are below your sacrum. I had to look up sacrum, too: “A structure supporting the spine…that articulates with your hip bones.” I wasn’t sure what “articulates” meant in that sentence, either. Jeez, I didn’t want to spend more time googling than meditating.
I gave up on the book after chapter two, which is filled with expressions like: The principal of newness; having a naked heart; getting closer to yourself; scanning your body; tasting your emotions; breathing in wholeness. Way, way too new age for a guy in old age.
I’m going to download an app called Headspace, which will walk me through some preliminary meditation exercises. My sister thinks doing these sessions will make me a less material person. Linda is wrong about that: I’m a humorist…so the more material, the better.
Television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for the Daily Journal. Send comments to [email protected].
