Below are some of the items from the new fall Hammacher Schlemmer gift catalog. This 171-year-old company offers a lifetime guarantee on its products, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out how they come up with these ideas.
The 10-minute smartphone sanitizer: According to HS, the average cell phone has more germs than a public restroom. It’s probably true. I leave my phone in a public restroom several times a week. Their gadget disinfects your phone with a germicidal light. Don’t worry, you can still make dirty phone calls.
Silent squeaking dog toys: Now your dog can play with his squeaky toy and you don’t have to go batty listening to it — since only your pooch can hear it. And you never have to replace his toy, because you’ll never know when it’s broken.
Lost glasses locator: You attach this device to your specs, and it connects via Bluetooth and uses an Android app to locate your glasses on an interactive map. Your cell phone rings when the glasses are nearby. How cool is that? Now, where the heck did I leave my phone?
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Talking children’s bank machine: This child’s toy looks like a real ATM and teaches little ones to deposit and withdraw money. What does the machine say? If you deposit cash, it says “Thank you.” If you withdraw, it says: “Sorry, kid, that’s a five-dollar service charge.”
Chess masters salt and pepper mills: The shakers are in the shapes of chess pieces, but I do not recommend this gift for people who are chess fanatics. One woman reported that she gave these to her husband as a gift. That night, she asked him to pass the salt, and it took him four minutes to make the move.
Fish-catching remote-control boat: The perfect gift for the absolute laziest person in your life. It’s a pint-size boat that fishes for you. Yes, it trolls the lake, sets the hook when the fish strikes and then brings the fish back to shore. It’s $69.95, and for an extra six bucks you can get a sign to put on your front door that says, “Home fishing.”
Every-angle LED mirror: Yes, this is just what I want for Christmas: a series of six separate attached mirror panels positioned so that when I sit in front of this contraption, I can see my double chin, my bald spot, and the bags under my eyes all at the same time.
Proper toe alignment socks: Do you wake up every morning and wonder “Are my toes properly aligned?” These socks have built-in dividers between your toes to keep them in the correct position.
Also available are The Bunion Comfort Socks. These oven-mitt–like socks separate your big toe from the second toe to reduce pain. Playing “This Little Piggy Goes to Market” with the kids is no longer any fun.
Indoor propelled curling game: The ice is replaced with a white-colored mat, the stones of granite are now illuminated discs, and the fans, who are usually asleep in the stands, are now snoozing on your couch.
Yes, the world’s most boring sport is now available to play at home. I know, calling it the world’s most boring game will offend some people, except those who play shuffleboard in their basement.
I look forward to the Christmas edition of the catalog. For a humor writer, it’s a gift.
